Friday, December 9, 2011

HALT: Hungry, angry, lonely, and tired

Beware of bi-polars in this condition

I was just explaining to my sister that I had a morning trying to get food and I ended up having to deal with my anger all of a sudden. She simply said "halt" and I said "what," and it turns out to be something to learn...once again. 

The acronym basically says it all, stop before you explode and make sure to be fed. Yum, I love food right now in a way that's undeniable, but not having it made me angry.

You won't like me when I'm mad

People in general don't like to hear about how much they suck, and that is what I can do, make people feel bad. I don't like it, and don't purposefully go about doing this, but I have the responsibility when I go off so I must prepare myself.

Now HALT is what I could have done and then regrouped, but I had to learn again about anger issues which suddenly took me back in time. We have a local clinic which I have railed against for years, and the focus of attention in one of my books: what a shit hole.

Okay, I had not been there for years, but I was attending an NA meeting today. Sadly, I was in rough shape, and cried thru the 5 minute long meeting lead by former TWEEKERS. I never liked the drug nor did I choose to do that one. Oh yeah, I did all others including heroin, but somehow this was below me.

Good God.

They were trying to get their kids back and had an early bus, so I was especially enraged just for the occasion. After they left, I headed for the car and hit the steering wheel while contemplating screeching my tires down the whole street leaving track marks so black nobody would ever not feed a bi-polar again.

I walked into the receptionist with my "Sprite" bottle held high, as it was not allowed, and told her what a dump she worked at. Yes, I did.

Then I went back to the car, cried, took a time out, and reentered the building without a soda, and spoke to a nurse. She was nice and easy to speak with. I had my hand over my mouth as the only thing coming out was a stream of cuss words and a lot of judgment.

She told me that I do indeed need to sleep and was nice enough to NOT recommend their lack of services. I am not impressed with them, but I can't not like individuals who are compassionate and take in an angry bi-polar they don't even know. How brave.

In this small conversation she said things which have stuck with me all the way home, like the fact that anger is usually about being hurt. I told her something I had not told anyone in my life and like a priest she received the information without a bunch of crap. She didn't judge me as I was judging her and the rest of the world at that point.

My sister and her wisdom

I called on my sister early on this evening as I am making GOOD FOOD for me and it smells awesome, and she told me to HALT and now we know what that means.

God help us all that a bi-polar is reduced to ashes with only missing food, or at least good food, and then to be able to stop the behavior is the best part of the story. I'm not angry anymore, but I am interested in why it got so out of hand.

When I do have these conditions listed in the title, I need to be aware and stop the behavior. Okay, it was close and a few people had been called "fuckheads" and "assholes" but less than usual...

I'm living and learning the sober way, meaning I am facing the truth, and it's a bit uncomfortable. But I got my absorbent underwear and my sheet cover and hopefully will be tamer tomorrow after some sleep.

Need to eat. Have a good night.

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