Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Split pea soup...

Angry in the morning

I guess I have another angry personality, if you even want to call it that. It's raw anger set upon hurting me and hurting others. I thought the reporter was bad, this is really bad. It's the destruction.

Here's how the night went: I got some fucking sleep. I don't know how but I slept for a while, and it actually hurts more now. When I woke up I wanted to cry. Then I stopped immediately! I thought of this crisis counselor I've had the displeasure of speaking with and he had been on the phone while I was crying. He gave me some shit about my crying so I ASSUMED he was somehow against crying. My Father did not care about me when I would cry. That would be too much.

Plus my Mother or whatever she was, cried only to manipulate. She had an agenda for her tears. I was simply thinking crying would be better than the other which is damage and ruin. I guess I'm right. But I had to have this experience so I would know there's another one of us, hurt, pissed off, and ready to destroy everything and everyone in her path. Fuck him! I called to see if this B grade counselor or whatever his is was available. Fuck if he didn't answer. I told him thanks for the fucked up advice about crying. He insists all that he said was what good was crying going to do.

Hmm, let's see, it will keep me from dealing with the angry fuck that's about to tell you off. Then I told him off. He's an idiot. A fuckhead who thinks his volunteer work with the crisis hotline is somehow a SUCCESS. Ha ha, ha, ha ha, you are the most idiotic person I have ever Okay, he did say that I could cry, but got on about why. He said that "I don't know" is an excuse. I know that fucking piss ant. I can't quite tell you why I want to cry other than I have a storehouse of pain. Is that enough you D student with an attitude? He's not of course ever going to read this so I don't know why I even wrote it.

I told him what a jerk he was about telling me to create a "life plan." Oh my God does he actually believe this himself? I wonder what his plan looks like. Here's an example: 1. Talk to idiots on the phone and tell them to create a life plan and they might believe it.

This bonehead started up again about it. How can you live your life without a plan? Okay, I've lived for almost 50 years and no plan. Not that it's gotten me anywhere. Okay, I can stop now, I'm beginning to look stupider than usual. 

I'm not a rage monster

This part of myself scares me. I could do really bad things. I remember so many times waking up to this horror. I remember I went to court with this personality once and was almost arrested for talking to the judge like he was an idiot. The public defender stepped in before I could do too much damage. Thank God.

Yes, if it weren't for God, this personality would have ruined my life. And it's not the reporter who has an agenda of truth and justice, the only thing this one wants is pain for us all. There are and were holes all over the house. I or it or whatever kicked them, punched them, and tore the house down.

What do I do with this thing? It's a real problem for me. I remember the pain of hitting my hands up against the walls, my head, my feet, until I bled.

No more, I have to face this thing down before it gets loose. I guess if I need to cry I need to cry. It's better than this. And even if I don't really know why I'm crying the personality that cries for help is better than the one that runs off everything good in my life.

I think I'll call this one: Destruction or maybe Seek and Destroy. It's a painful wound that wants attention and nobody knows how much pain this thing is carrying around. It's intense. I'm already willing to go back to sleep and try to start over. If I cry at least it will be honest.

With this shit said, hope you have a good day. Hope you don't cross my path. (kidding) No, I'm not letting this pit bull out of the yard, I have the gates closed. At least now I can identify the characters in my head.

Great...hope all is good in the world...Laura Hart

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