Monday, December 12, 2011

What a day...oh gosh it's only 10:30 am

I've got a full plate

This has been one hell of a morning with the excitement of a scary movie and the hope of a new day. I have some serious issues and that is now apparent to me. What in the hell happened? Honestly if I never know it would fine, except to say that I do know, and it's not fine. Things are different now and I plan on things being very much changed.

I'm not angry but I woke up crying like a baby. The next step: Depression. I will not indulge that either as I really only have today. I could use drugs but then as they say in NA one would  be too much and a thousand not enough.

I'll continue to go with the plan that if I work each day, clean of drugs that keep me from my own pain, (I guess we all have our own pain) then I will eventually work through it all. I can't again stop the past from entering my mind. I can enjoy the day.

And I've learned that planning is not all it's cracked up to be. I try to plan but then there are things that just come up.

One more thing I have said all morning long which I corrected a friend about: "I don't know." I will find out what is below the surface of this excuse which keeps me from moving forward. Again for some unknown reason I like the truth.

Damn it hurts though. I'll be fine. Let's all be fine and good to each other today. (Yeah right, nice thought though)

But one thing I can do is to quit hurting myself. It's a cycle and I need to break it. I know I fucked up nobody needs to tell me as I put myself up on the cross already. Now I need to remove the nails from my hands and proceed to the kitchen...because I like food! (And candy too...fuck you)

Well this is the site I can cuss on, so sorry for the fuck you, but again, fuck you just because I can say it and feels good. Now don't take it personally as I'm talking to myself only and I don't mean it.

My real message is this: I'm going to make it and have a good day. My dog, bird and cat are awesome, I love them all. And in turn I will learn to like myself. I never have taken to compliments from other people, so don't be surprised when I pretend not to hear it. I maybe just okay, which is better than hurting myself.

I WANT TO LIVE but LIVE WELL. I've done nothing but hurt me over and over. I think I may owe myself an apology...I'm sorry. That is weird, but then I never said I wasn't weird.

Please have a good day. I think we may just be worth it. I think...LOL

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