Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Ouch it hurts...

Dream the impossible dream

I suppose I will begin the latest post with, "why in the hell am I trying to fix me when I can't be fixed," or at least it seems that way.

For a moment I was happy, then I recognize how demented I am, now I'm completely freaked out.

Went to my therapist

Triggering me these days requires almost nothing except the WILLINGNESS to be triggered which apparently I have. If I don't get these feelings out there is almost no hope I will be integrated and enjoy a good life. The feelings surface whether or not I want them to. So, let them.

It's ugly and I'm confused, tired, (oh right HALT you dumb ass bi-polar before you attack something other than yourself) and don't know what to do with it all. I woke up again, dammit, and again I remember...they would not leave me alone.

Year after year, day after day, I kept up the ruse that we were all right. I turned 35 and that was the finale except it was not: I was damaged. And it was not something a band aid and juice would fix. Rather it's substantial and I'm finally doing my part because the results have scared me too!

This is me or not me, umm, who am I?

I feebly figured out I'm not my anger, but I'm also not the baby, or the others either. (This is getting spooky and weird) Maybe there is some division among me or I'm simply a damaged product you send off to be sold for a 1/3 of the price.

If I could tell you I would, but it appears I'm clean of all drugs and alcohol, but not clean of mind. My mind spins thinking of why all of this is happening. When I awake from sleep there is pain and memories to be stuffed back down...or they would be if I didn't bring them to surface for rethinking.

Stop, think and do something different constitutes a whole day for me. I am upset about what happened with me, the local ER, and possibly other parts I don't clearly remember. Maybe I'm wrong, but should I have been in jail or somewhere that would help me deal with my regular death ritual?

That's in the past

I do want to make the past the past, but how can I if I can't remember it? Or if I remember and it's painful? Starting today I will hope that I can make it through these events one after another until the issues become clear.

Writing will likely help but when the bi-polar reporter steps up to the plate we ALL need to run. I have only so much control over my character so I want her on a flat, one dimensional page, so she won't hurt any of us. She has a blood lust for truth and fairness.

Those are nice things I agree, but they are also completely unreasonable and no human being will EVER live up to it. Please God, tell me now that I was not ripped off last week as they will know her wrath. She will make them better by being the catalyst or bringer of rain upon their lousy business practices. I hope they are ready, I'm not.

I may have some control, but I fear there will be cussing and disturbance before it's over. I want peace and that is also unreasonable. If only I could put me back together like Humpty Dumpty, I cracked a very long time ago.

Each day is a choice

Here and now is what I face, and I will rise to the occasion. But who am I in all this? It's scary to note  that there are things that I cannot change and no wisdom to go with it. Maybe I'll just pray for a break and hope that it will come. That is all the power I seem to have over this split in myself.

The reporter is another one of us, the worst, not the worst, that's the depression. Both are equally disabling and then there's me...who am I?

Some of you may find this sudden schism scary...so do I.

Another night and I wonder if I can even go out. There is an AA meeting I would like to attend, but is it too much for one day? Probably...............

Talk later...Laura Hart (or whomever I am)

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