Oh, I do know what the sleep problem is...Oh, piss on it.
Considering that I have been staying up all night and writing and fighting like a crazy person, it should be no surprise that I cannot sleep. But what is most surprising is why.
I'm afraid I will lose control and piss or shit the bed. Yeah, it isn't nice or a pretty reason such as simple insomnia, or something cool like narcolepsy, it's a fear of relaxing to a point of losing control.
What control is there left to lose?
First, I have kicked opiates, benzodiazapines, and cigaretters, throw on my concern about marijuana and you have a fucking squeaky clean bi-polar here. But during the process of letting go of these drugs I seemed to have lost control of my digestive system.
I had been sleeping in an opium haze and somehow managed to avoid this pitfall but now I'm faced with the fact I need some "Depends" or a plastic sheet. Oh, yeah, it's humility, being humble before God and others that makes me write this publicly. I would never had admitted this as I was before.
Hell, I would not admit I was an addict either. I had all the excuses and all the right ailments to make sure my drugs were prescribed. This is the most dangerous of all the addictions: Faking an ailment to get drugs. I was initially not faking anything, but them I got hooked.
NA and AA can and will help: if you want help that is
I do want help, in fact, I made two meetings so far, not that I haven't had some problems getting there and finding a way to fit it all into that one day we all have that precious one single day. I like being sober, I must admit, but it's not just that, I like the truth.
I'm peeling the layers as a good friend verified to me last night, but it's also that I want this, a true awakening. Wow, it's been real let me tell you. Sitting with other addicts and continuing to remind myself as much as I want to be "special" I'm just another addict trying to stay clean of drugs and addictive behaviors for another day.
What a tall order that I try to follow, and the bi-polar in me wants it in huge chunks, so it's rather agonizing to go thru this. But I cannot manage to pretend that I didn't almost fall asleep in the car, twice. I am sleep deprived to the point my eyes hurt and the body needs it's rest.
Until, I get that rest I will spin. So, I hope for today: a plastic sheet and some really absorbent underwear. You don't think this is humbling? It sure Fucking is. I'm humbly asking God right now for just that.
I'll be back and sober and hopefully tomorrow, with some sleep in sight. Good night, sweet dreams, may you not pee your own bed...as things get scary down the rabbit hole.
Upcoming: the two trash cans I need for my fucking mess and a new job too...Oh GOD!