What a morning, full of memories I really would rather leave behind. I've been crying but that isn't pleasant either. I fucked up a whole lifetime I realize and now I have today.
It's such a little word, today, but it's so powerful I can even feel it. And I have attempted to not feel anything. So, with that said, I would like to leave the past behind and create my future...today.
They were not good and then I was not either
I was discussing the sad fact that I did not have children, had abortions instead, because I was afraid I would be abusive. I did not get this way without being abused myself so I was probably right. Considering how abusive I have been with other people, allowing my anger to run amok, I can imagine it would have been the same for my potential children.
You have no idea how sorry I am for all of it. If there was some magical way to make a clean start I would require that the world do it, but I know there isn't. I can only start now.
I can blame them all, but mostly I blame myself. What good has it done? Nothing apparently. After almost 50 years of life I still tried to kill myself. One attempt after another, year after year, hating me more and more. I felt like a failure who couldn't even kill herself properly.
But what if I'm not as bad as I think I am? That would require that I have faith and live. What a tall order. It's been a fucked up life, with me allowing the anger to run everything, and when that doesn't work, falling into deep, dark depression. Then wrapping it up with a dramatic attempt to kill or severely wound myself.
They were abusers and I was a victim, which I HATE to admit. But then I became an abuser as it seemed a better situation. Good God, it is terrible to even conceive of such a stupid notion. I had to be a child when I thought that one through. I'm not a child anymore, but I do have a child like personality. And it's hurt, bad. And the anger wants it's day.
But they're dead and I am slightly dead from it all. I can't take revenge and never could. Why in the world would it be okay to hurt a child like they hurt me, I don't know. Maybe they didn't know. Whatever the reason I can't begin to unravel what happened and still am so embarrassed about all of it.
One minute of sleep and it all came pouring out last night. No wonder I don't want to sleep. I woke up with a choice to be angry, cry, or move on with today. I CHOOSE TO MOVE ON and LIVE. It's the hardest choice, the unfamiliar one, the one that I haven't up to this point actually chosen. But I do. I want the truth and this is it.
If I could take back the last 50 years would I? YES! Fuck YES! But now I have to wrap it up in a day. Wow, that's something. They who did this will face their own shit and I cannot do anything to make that happen or make it worse for them, which is the anger again.
I was physically and sexually breached, repeatedly, and now I am not...so why do I persist in repeating it all? That is a question for myself. But again now I have a choice, when I was child I did not. My childhood is over, THANK GOD.
But my life is here and I have to greet it and like myself. I can't say I like myself yet, but maybe for today, I can at least accept myself. I'm a fucking flawed human, and I want to live life in joy and spontaneity. I hope that we all have a good day and do the best we can with it.
I'm again so sorry for all that has come from this, but I have to, for me to survive, put this behind me. And for me to move on, I need to pay attention to the moment. God grant me the wisdom to do all this. And you too!
Take care and have a great day...Laura