Thursday, December 15, 2011

I'm trying so hard to change...let go dammit!

I've got white knuckles!

Eek, I'm driving people crazy and I finally have some idea what happened on or around November 8th of this year. Oh Scooter (God) I feel so guilty and horrible when I think I allowed this shit to happen.

But I go to another NA meeting and I feel better, or worse. I'm working hard which isn't exactly allowing God or Scooter to do it for me. Faith will happen once I know what kind of crap I'm dealing with.

I left in a real mood...

It's never fun to be in a bad mood. I knew the feeling had taken over so I had to  make a move to address it. I've at the least recognized not to allow my emotions to be buried in drugs and alcohol. But that isn't enough. My emotions were buried period.

Yes, it's easier to say something fake than something real. Yes, it's easier to pretend to get along than to be myself and get along.

For me it's tougher to do those things and I don't want a cloud of smoke to choke me again. I tell it like it is for now. Soon I realized that I also can tell good or beneficial truths too. It is up to the recipient to gain an understanding for themselves.

Why can't I make people understand?

People will understand only what they can. Forcing them to see things wastes time and energy. I can't be forced either into accepting things that I don't want.

I've got so much to learn, and I've only been sober a short time. The NA folks are so nice about it and some have decades of clean time. I feel like I'm a novice who can't shut the fuck up. I guess I am! LOL

I'll do better and better the more I rely on Scooter and stay in the moment. Right now there is effort where someday it will come natural.

I can only heal myself, not worrying about those who are "STUCK." My prayers go out to those who can't see themselves. I was there.

Have a good night, and God willing, we can talk in the morning. Laura Hart

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