Friday, December 16, 2011

When you are at the real rock bottom...

I'm there...

I have now actually hit my rock bottom. The memories were too much and I crashed...and hard. I feel helpless, hopeless and enraged all at once. I would rather be dead than deal with this.

But since I am dead, I guess I may just finish the program.

It hurts to a degree of unspeakableness, which isn't even a word, I just made that up. I know if the people who were part of this cannot even acknowledge it then I could easily be dismissed.  Nothing new for me, the bitches in my life did that. (everyone liked them, they put on a show)

My friend, before she knew the truth apologized to a nurse at the hospital and now I'm so fucking sad. How could she do that? Why not wait and hope there was an actual real reason for it. Again I become the judge. This is what happened to me too: I became judged.

I'm just crazy in need of meds. 

Well, guess what as crazy as I am: I"M FUCKING SOBER! I'm riding this out to see if there is a way to come to terms and maybe forgive myself for allowing it to happen: again.

It's part of my history of abuse. But I need me to deal with it. It's far too painful to bring in others. I could cry a river but then it would take the rest of my life.

Some people just want to medicate me. Maybe I should sit in a funny farm on meds the rest of my life. These are options. Maybe I'm not as crazy as you people think. I'm honest and straightforward, but crazy is a stretch. Even I know I'm not, but I can't help wondering or caring what others think...right now.

This could change. I could get a grip and then I would be free to move on. Who knows anything can happen. As I say all the time on this blog. NEVER count out a bi-polar. We are survivors and we will be there when your time comes. And I'll laugh because I had to go thru it too. I had to face myself to live. And those who did this will too, I just have to have faith.

I may not be able to change anything at all except my attitude. Thank God for cats who are not afraid of their bi-polar owners. And dogs that know better than to mix it up. And a bird who is quiet as my fucking head is pounding with the pain!

I'll use my new SOBER TOOLS to deal with this venom. I was too sick to eat food. Okay that is an alarm right there. I love fucking food you idiots who think I don't. I'm crazy for all kinds of food, mostly my own. Again I'm apparently angry about that misconception too! And so many have spread that around. Fuck you, give me your chicken, pie and ice cream. (I won't get fat...but you will! Maybe you"re jealous...)

I did eat, which is a good sign. I honestly didn't want to, but yet I did. So, there is still some life left in this angry, unsettled soul.

It's early in the day which feels like a week. I'm working on it. I'm hoping I can make it. Please forgive me for what I say today, as I've got pain all over. I don't really mean to be mean. 

Have a great day, and I hope you stay well. Laura Hart

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